sickness and loneliness

being sick makes you lonely

being sick makes you even lonelier

I figured out that one of the reasons I want a partner is because I want to feel loved. 

Loved, cared and prioritised. I want to be a priority. Like, when I'm sick, everyday s/he'll text me to ask how I am doing. And s/he won't be too busy to check up on me, because I am one of their priorities. 

Ah, this is why I like writing, now that I write what I want, i feel like an entitled bitch haha

 I'm not independent, I'm the opposite.

I cant be alone with myself anymore.

I don't trust my thoughts anymore, that sucks because I used to be my own bestfriend, now I hate my bestfriend.

I thought I'm patient. 

but I'm the opposite. i cant wait long enough, i choose the easy way out.

I choose the easy way out, eventhough it's wrong.

And that is another reason why I hate myself. 

Even more. 

true friends accept you even when you're at your worst

 Here I am..

all this while thinking I have true friends that will accept me when I'm at my worst

but when I show that I'm at a low point,

i feel like an outcast

I feel like I'm no longer needed, nor wanted 

I feel isolated

and it hurts even more as the expectations I have from them is different

I expect them to pull me back in and be there for me

not isolate me, and make me feel unwanted

making conversations among them, excluding myself.

Laughing at jokes among them, excluding myself.

Making me feel guilty for not feeling guilty enough,

I was sad, and now I'm just disappointed.

I always known that in the end, I only have myself to rely upon.

But I guess subconciously I wanted them to prove me wrong and show that they still want me around even when I'm not all smiles and laughter.

 I guess I'm wrong..

no, not a guess.

now I know that I'm wrong. 

penat rasa sedih

 I'm sad..

I'm really sad..

and I'm tired of feeling sad

tired to ride this wave of deep and immense void

I'm sad that i have no one i can turn to and tell about what i feel without making them feel burdened by my existence 

i feel like i am alone

alone and fighting the world

i am just so tired

tired of being sad

so so tired

i want to stop feeling sad

how following the flow can be fatal

i've always known that being grateful is the master key to being happy

and every time someone ask my plan in 5 years to come,

I'm so inclined to answer "to be happy" but come on, no recruiter wants to hear that

yikes, even none recruiter pun taknak dengar tu- it's just so cringey isnt it?

but it's the truth..i just want to be happy and grateful with what I have and what I lost

I want to be grateful with how I'm living my life these days

i want to be grateful with what He is withholding from me

I want to be grateful for the people I cross paths with 

and the people who are no longer in my life

I want to be grateful

and so, I want to be happy

I want to feel useful, to myself, to my religion, to the community

I want to feel content and I want to STOP feeling lost

Sometimes i feel the prayers arent enough to keep me grounded

and so I started to feel angry..but to whom??

to whom am I mad at?

isnt me the one who has the power and responsibility to write my story..?

So if the storyline is not to my liking, then to whom shall be blamed? if not me?

Those nights I ask these questions and I myself answer them, it's easier to just pull the blanket and close my eyes

and drift into the blank and just sleep it away

it's sad, when sleep is the only thing I wake up for everyday.

 everytime i look at my father

i remember the betrayal

and disappointment

and his failure 

 today i cried over something a stranger said to me

i cried for multiple times over a remarks that poke at my insecurities so deep

he made me felt a million things i cant explain

he made me question if I'm too much

too insensitive 

too not soft

too ..unlikeable

he make jokes about me 

he said things that make me angry 

he said things that make me sad

i don't even like him

and yet i cry because of the stuffs he said

i don't care what he thinks

but i care how he thinks of me

and i cry when they are unpleasant

he makes me believe the reason i have no partner is because I'm me

is because i hurt people with my words

maybe i am thoughtless with how i say stuffs

maybe nobody will ever like me 

because I'm me

he makes me believe that I'm not good enough

to be loved

he doesnt even know me..

I'm not tht bad..right..

smaller dream

Sometimes there are people who ask if I ever thought of moving away from this country;

I do;

I do;

But I don't dwell on it, when the possibility is thin;

I don't think of it, I don't talk about it, because once I do, my brain will be set to achieve that

and I do not know if I'm ready for it,

and more importantly if it is possible.

Nothing is impossible- yes, but realistically speaking, is it really possible..now?

Rather I keep it buried deep down in my heart of desire, soon to be dug out and realised. 

I know this is the dream of mine, that I will be regretting of if I let it slip away and not work towards realising it.

I want to have a career stint oversea. 

 so many things I'm mad about

so many things i wish i don't have to tolerate

so many people with so many traits i LOATHE.

and hence, why I have to walk away. 

acknowledging that dark side in my head

I understand I ~may~ have unresolved anger and issues
with the man figure in my life.

I admit and acknowledge that now
I have to since the person I rely the most on is gone
and now I only have myself, true
but I wish to rely even the tiniest bit to other ppl in my life

and to do that,
I need to have a super long family dinner
to discuss from aA to zZ.

Am i ready for tht?
Nope.

Am i evading the subject?
you bet i am.

stucked

neither here nor there..

i grew up thinking i'll be doing amazing stuffs

and achieve great successes

breaking my limit

venturing outside my comfort zone

but now i feel like I'm stuck

in a hole i don't know how to escape from

this feeling of inadequacy is suffocating i just want to scream

i feel trapped doing nothing

yet understand the potential i have

is now wasted

i feel trapped feeling like it's my responsibility to get out

but i don't know how... i really don't.

and i cant talk about it

i don't think anyone will see it the way i see it

my peers at that stage where they feel triumph over their successes

I'm trying hard to be happy for them

but it reminds me of the little things i yet to do

and I'm stuck

so i feel bad

for myself

i feel trapped having to pretend i like it

when i don't

i feel trapped fighting hard with positive thoughts

when all i want is vent and complain

even for once

i feel trapped and unhappy

and i feel like my friends are not there for me

not available for me

i just feel. stuck. and it's the worst feeling a budding eager full of potential bird can ever feel.

i wish i have a best friend at home/

it hurts

you betray my trust 

you betray me 

and that makes you selfish

because you made that choice alone

but the consequence, i have to bear it too

the pain of trying hard to not miss you

to not think of all the good times we had

and the pain of hating you

honestly, what you did

i dont think i can ever ever evr forgive

you took away what is left of my mum

and you took it away

who and what give you that right?

youre a piece of shit and i hate you for making me hate you.

i can never understand ths anger inside of me

i dont even know if its anger

or if its hatred

i loved you and i love you

and you did this to me 

how could you. 

this cant be undone 

and i hate you for that

for being selfish

and hurt me like this

i can never ever look at you the same way again

and even after this shit,

i know i will love you still.

thts how shitty you are.

i pray that Allah help me undrstand this feeling

and help me to see the hikmah of this event

i pray Allah keep you safe 

and away from me

I pray Allah protect you from the devils

and show you the light

may Allah show you the light

but just stay away from me

for now.

and forever.

can i rely on someone...idk

i thought i am an independent woman
because depending on your mother..family, that doesnt count right?
you're dependent only if you depend on someone who is not a nucleus family member of yours
so i AM independent.
I am.
because the ppl i depend on- not people, person- is my mother.
does that makes me sounds arrogant??
maybe :(
but i depend a lot on her..i rely on her, and I see her as my safety net
having a safety net, knowing someone will always catch you when you fall
can encourage you to live your life better
without fear
and not holding back
because, worst to worst, you hve them, right?
yep, until they die.
then you dont.
you'll fall..and fall.
and now i dont want to be independent
i want to have someone else who can catch me if i fall
i want to rely on someone.
i dont. want. to be independent anymore
im tired and im tired.
but i dont really have a choice..but to be that.

death reminder

need to tell myself that I can't expect anyone, not even my sisters, to fit in the shoes you left behind. No matter how much I want someone to hear me rant and replace your place, they won't. Nobody will ever. There will be times I wonder how you are doing right now. Having someone you love dearly dead will push you closer to Allah. Remembering death and trying to imagine the life our loved ones are having right now. Are they being punished, questioned by the Angels of Death? Are they scared and alone in the dark? I'll kneel down and out my hands up. Begging for Him to have mercy on my mother. My dear mother, and to protect her from the fire of Hell, the misery of the underworld. There is a hole inside in my heart and I wish somebody tell me how to fill in this gap. Ya Rabb, aren't you supposed to replace whatever you took with something better? Is that even possible? There is nothing I want to do, rather than sleep. Sleep and not wake up.

This is a cry for help. Don't tell me I dont reach out. I do.....You just dont listen.

raya feels

so..we're having a new tradition now. Visiting your pusara...missing one important person in our family potraits.

al fatihah..i really really miss my umi.