grief...again

grief, everyone that experience grief feels like their grief is the saddest grief..

the most painful one

it was the first time, ever, that i bought a white shawl

white is never a colour of shawl that i would gravitate to, it does not make me feel as confident

but i thought I'd try and that was the first white shawl i bought for myself. 

that morning, i put it on

but i change last minute because i haven't muster the courage to don it in public

i changed to black shawl

that particular white shawl ended up to be the one cloth that covered your face when you came home for the last time 7 years ago, you came home lifeless

laid for your final resting before returned to Him...physically at least

rest, on the same ground you raised me..the same ground i took my first steps

regrets? perhaps none- except i wished I was not in denial for that long

so I can grieve...for your even before you left..so I can cherish you knowing you're leaving soon

planning for a new chapter of my life has been a very lonely journey without a mother by my side..and every time i hit a milestone, i grieve for the lost i had to endure. nothing and nobody can ever lessen this pain. the only way is to go through it. I have to go through it, no choice, no shortcut, no remedy.

if redha is the answer..i though i master that. but sadness, and anger sometimes hit and when it hit...i just..grieve for you. 7 years..thats how long you left me.