Sunday, October 15, 2017

maturing

should we do things that we love ?
or should we love ourselves and do things that make us grow?

What if bearing a responsibility is no longer making you happy?
should you back off? that would only make you a lousy person, no?

Should you just push yourself to the limit and strive to see how far you can soar?

and then they want you to decide what you want to do
how do you know that you're ready to decide, when you are not sure what you want ?


Sunday, June 11, 2017

different kind of love

you haven't been gone
and i already started to miss you

i came back
to a space that felt ridiculously empty

i sat and do my things
while longing for your presence

and i thought..
can i manage?
one day
when you'll be gone and i'll be alone
will i be able to endure it?
the pain of missing you...


Friday, May 5, 2017

2am thoughts for 2 weeks

i thought i like..d you
maybe i still do
there's this feeling of..excitement and disappointment when i see you
but I'm in no position to challenge the relationship you're currently having
and I have no intention to do so-

so I pray to Him
seeking His guidance to guard what's meant to be mine
and to protect me and guide this heart to want what's meant to be mine

one of my friends told me-
maybe he is the right person, but not yet
it all goes back to this, Robin
'Timing's a bitch'
always

Friday, April 28, 2017

into the black by chromatics

Hold on, darling This body is yours, This body is yours and mine Well hold on, my darling This mess was yours, Now your mess is mine


everyone is struggling in our own ways..
who are we to say theyre faking it..?
maybe when they said theyre empty and in pain,
theyre not really thirsty for attention
maybe they are literally....feeling hollow...

what if i say ive been there?
will you say I'm  being over-reacting?
will you say I'm tryna draw attention to myself?
will you say I'm  ..being tak rilek?

see, things you say
especially responds you give when someone said what they feel
i cant extremely make you understand how important those words are
sometimes those words are what define the person's actions next

my heart literally feels the pain
when justin was begging jessica to forgive him
and to hear him out

ive been there
swallowing my regret 
and begging for love and sympathy to hear me out
to give me a second chance

life's so complicated
to make it simple..just be kind, appreciate everyone, never take people for granted
most importantly, never take someone's trust for granted

i never actually knows what I'm  gonna blog everytime i start typing
but everytime I'm  ending it..my heart and mind revert back to Him
i gues it's lucky to be in beautiful religion where you have Him who will never ever ever leave you alone in darkness
all you have to do is
ask

so if you- or anyone out there is feeling so hollow
so empty
so angry and regretful to the point you hate hate hate yourself
to the point you physically hurt yourself to punish your doings and decisions
to the point you sleep all the time hoping it's a dream
to the point you desperately hope to turn back time..
kneel down and say your prayers
He saved me..He'll save you too .


you cant love someone back to life
but you being afraid to love someone can cost his life.

Talk...and also listen.



Tuesday, April 25, 2017

100% is risk

lets be honest here

one of the things i occassionally thought and wished is for someone to rely on
someone special
so that

whenever i have mood swings, i know who to call
whenever i see a sweet advertisement, i know who to snapchat to
whenever i see a post that's so cute and funny, i know who to tag
whenever theres a new romantic movie in the cinema, i know who to have a movie date with
whenever I'm  feeling like baking, i know who to invite
whenever I'm  crying of stress, i know who to rant to
whenever i read a book so relatable, i know who to talk to
whenever i needed a company at 3am, i know who to facetime with
whenever I'm  feeling angry, i know who i can be express to without getting judged
whenever I'm  indecisive, i know who to seek advices from
whenever I'm  hungry, iknow who'll be my driver for late night food hunting

you know...a person you can do everything with
a person you'll rely..100%
a person you can trust 100%
a person you are sure will never leave you ever

that's the risk
people change their minds
and loyalty is not as easy as ABC

thsi is what they say as fear of falling in love
I'm having that fear
I'm  restraining myself frm giving my all to the community
maybe? idk

but- the risk is when you give your all...because there will always be a smallest percentage of 2% that it will not be like what you hope for
sometiems reality is not as sweet as cotton candy
sometimes....what we want is not what actually is planned for

thats why when you're having that thought-
think of Allah
as He will surely surely surely 1000000% will never leave you.

Monday, February 20, 2017

the best i can do

i see you today
you waved at me
from across the street
made me felt happy for days in a row

i see you today
studying at the table behind me
took me all of my courage
to say hi before i leave the place
we talked for 10 mins - or more
we talked about teeth
weird topic, but made me smile

i see you today
in the crowd
talking to everyone
except me
too shy...i kept quiet and let time passed by
next thing i knew,
I'm  taking my coat off the hook and head back
without saying hi to you

we eat together today
and cooked in your kitchen
yet i cant hold a conversation with you
whenever it was the only two of us
i find myself going away from the kitchen
and let myself be drowned by the crowd
in the dining room
kept quiet
and two times- people asked me to speak up
and questioned why am i so silent today

i guess it's getting on me
i hate myself
for not being able to go with so much confident
how can people be themseves with a crowd they are not familiar with?
i hate this

Monday, January 30, 2017

rolling on

I realised ...
i no longer remininsce high school memories
instead I'm reliving my college days 

i am finally....letting go?? 
am i finally moving on...? 
am i finally ..a grown up? 

😊

Sunday, January 29, 2017

two of everything

used to be alone, then companied, then alone again
used to be invisible, then needed, then invisible again
used to be vacant, then occupied, then vacant again
used to be plain, then wild, and back to plain



used to be independent, then dependent, and independent again
used to be always here, then gone, and back here
used to be free and easy, then busy, and free again
used to be practical, then complicated, and now practical


which version do you prefer?
you get to choose
which life
and how you want to view
your life
your call
your option
your decision
wtv you decide..
make sure you are happy
YOU are happy with it.
only then, you will BE happy.

Life will always give you options
right or left
yes or no
stay..or leave
life even let you decide on how to see your life
life give you opportunity to see bad phase from a positive perspective
so why do you stay pessimistic about life?
Life had given you enough
you're not mking the full use of your chances to choose

hidup itu kan satu kitaran roda
sekejap kita kat atas
kemudian di bawah
sekejap kita bahagia
kemudian duka
sekejap berteman
kemudian sepi

....or can it be
sekejap duka kemudian tawa
sekejap di bawah kemudian di atas
sekejap sepi....kemudian berteman

it's a wheel..why focus on half of the circle only?
it'll turn around...and it'll turn around
give it time and eveything will be okay insyaAllah
not to mention
it's He The Greater Planner that plans our life
how wrong can it be

Thursday, January 19, 2017

21 on 19

another year, another number.
turned 21 and still, alone as ever
okay, not that I'm saying i hve nobody around me, but ..you know what i mean

was stuck watching a korean drama these pst few days
one thing i hate about kdrama is basically the fantasy that they paint in my head
and once i hve something in my head
theres no way of taking it off that place.
nothing -
it'll linger on and on and on and on
leaving me wishing i have a love story like that too
but no.
idk why, but no.
nope nope. no
i just don't get that like anyone else
i just never..and maybe won't ??? experience that
maybe I'm just too shy
maybe I'm just not enough??
maybe I'm just too bossy
or maybe I'm just not the type that they want
yeah maybe.
maybe. .
this kind of maybe that kills me sometimes
makes my head feeling like exploding..
to reason with my head and to listen to my heart
what a job man..what a job
convincing yourself that you are okay and worth it and nothing is wrong with you
telling yourself over and over and over again tht it's just not time yet and one day it'll happen to you too
one day you'll get what youve been dreaming of
one day you'll no longer long for wtv is missing in yr life rn
yeah one day but not now
not tomorrow
just not.
it's easy for someone to say what a petty thing to worry about
easy for someone to say oh they just never approach you because theyre scared theyre not up to your standard
well fu
who said i hv standards and who tell you what standards or wtv that i have??
who are you to determine that???
i never say anything
i never establish any measures
so don't speak like youknow how it feels
to again turn a year older without any single changes in that particular life
is it wrong..is this feeling of incomplete wrong?
i know i shd not look for someone to fill that emptiness
instead i have to turn to Him
but i just cant help it to feel this way
when everyone around me and
everyone i know
hVe someone to rely on already
it's tired yknw
being independent and
handling these issues in my head alone
it's tiring to debate with my emotions
when it gets lonely at night
and my phone's battery is dying
i cant turn on the music to accompany me to sleep
it's tiring..haih it really is
it's tiring to have crushes on every
single tall boys that i meet on the street
it's tiring to have the butterflies fluttering
everytime someone looks at me in the restaurant
it's tiring to constantly reminding myself
that theyre all not signs or wtv
it's tiring...to remember that those love stories in the movie??? they aint happening
esp to me.
haih
i guess it's just not time- yet
okay enough of this bs

Monday, January 16, 2017

the invisible sufferer

"..some people talk about heartbreaks..when they'd never even been to the neighbourhood.."


It sucks when you try to help someone but to no avail.
To convince that you do understand without telling them about your story. How can you tell them? You want to start fresh, you want to forget and forgive. You want to move on and open a new chapter.
However, even without me talking, stories are spread. Rumours are told, names are mentioned. Storied retold. Revamp, remade. It is never easy to start new. Even if you flew 10,576 km away...your story is a part of you. It will haunt you, people define you with the story they heard. In times like this, there's only one thing to help you walk with your chin held high up, with your pride whole and just, YOU do not define yourself with whatever is spread. YOU believe in the good values in you. YOU do better and YOU be you. It's YOU who matter. You don't need to convince other people whose fault it was, you do not owe an explanation of why you did what you did, because given time can be reversed, i know i have no regrets and i have nothing to change. Things happened because thats the best. at that time, it was all a blur and i regret. BUt now, giving it space and time, i can see it that it happened because...how else can it happen? it's fated, it's the best. hence, it's you, yourself. Not the other people, esp not those who does not even know the sufferings you went through. Because baby oh baby...they do not know the art of heartbreaks. They do not fathom the pain of peeling another layer of yourself to discover the gem inside. They do not understand your reasonings.....they do not know the circumstances that drove you to decide such things. Okay I'm  getting a bit defensive here- lets get back to the main topic.


but...whats the main topic again? Gee qisya...you're losing it. I guess i jus felt like ranting after so long!

Friday, November 4, 2016

amnesia #np

i remembered driving to the train station 

with you on the passenger seat

while amnesia was playing on the radio


i remembered crying silently

while struggling to focus on the road

and weeping in silence 

because i know you just won't care


i remembered praying so hard

so so soooo hard in my heart

that i had amnesia

so that i could forget everything that happened between us

all the fights and mean words and broken promises

i remembered praying to Him 

that i forget everything 

so that i can stop feeling the pain 


and today I thanked Him for not answering that particular prayer 

because now I understand the message

the blessings

and the lesson of those tears behind the wheels 


and dear friend,

how had you been doing ? :-) 

Thursday, September 29, 2016

it's true when they said you'll learn more about yourself when you're only with you.
when you're alone
and you're alone with Him.

i learn that i like being alone sometimes
no, not alone
i like doing things on my own
i don't like people depending on me
but sometimes, it feels good to know someone rely on me.. hm

i like doing groceries on my own
i like shopping on my own
i like the idea of being completely free from
any obligations
or any pressure

i like the freedom

yes,
thats it.
I like being free
free from shackles of wrong obligations
free from making others happy
free from any prioritisation except mine and me only
free from ..judgements.
thats it,
free from judgements
free from having to bear with others' opinion
free from worrying what others think of me
free from their talk and disagreements

i am free
and i like it

i like it here...to be free from everyone

I can do what i want, when i want to do it
and how i want it to be done
i can go shopping one whole stupid day without buying anything
and have nobody to lecture me on that

i can go groceries shopping slowly
taking my time to decide what to cook and what that is
without anyone judging my skill

i can go wander off without having to ensure
someone is okay walking that distance

i can ride on any bus i want to wherever i want
without having to make sure nobody feels financially burdened by what i want

i can do literally...whatever i want
and i really really am in love with this life rn.

thank you allah.




but, despite how i fancy my life right now,
please don't let me get too drowned in alone-ness
for too long
afraid that i lose confidence in people
afraid that i will refuse to get out of my world
to meet others
afraid i will get carried away..spending my years alone

i.....i hope for the best as You only You what is the best
and i know this is the best for now.
thank you allah.

Monday, September 12, 2016

to share sadness with yr friends is easier than sharing their happiness ..while you being sad. agree ? 


this is because
to forget our joy and join in our friend's
sorrow?
can be done 

all we need to do is being considerate. 



to forget our sadness?
and put on a smile for a friend of ours that achieve something we do not get? 
that is hard 
it's like being happy for something we know we shd also share that part of joy , but we don't. 
it's like being reminded that they did it, but we failed. 
it's like admitting that doing that is so possible, but we did not manage to do that while our friends did. 
it's like .....seeing others celebrating our failure :-( 
and dissapointment is all we can see in the mirror 



so do you agree, 
being happy for other people is harder than sharing their sorrow? 

Friday, July 22, 2016

it cant be for more than 20 years - 

there's a fire of anger inside of her
small, but blazing ball of flame
it had been there for less than 20 years
for how many - not one knows
even herself cannot make out the significance 
of the energy in her life

everytime she sees them,
the anger will arise
sometimes it turns to pity
and understanding
but when it's the turn of irritation
it's so hard to control and reason with herself

she create conversations
and lamentations
to fire 
any day
one day
hopefully -

but the strength to do so
is beyond her capabilities
she often keep it quiet and
deal with it to sleep

she composed a note
not a letter
never a letter
for she knows, it is hrd to get trough
hence why the trouble

a note of what not to do once she becomes them
a note to remind her of who she -doesnt- want to grow up as
a note so she will not forget the hatred and anger...she feels
not for revenge, but for lessons
in order for her to become better person in days to come
in order for her to not become like ...them.

Thursday, June 9, 2016

ramadhan al kareem everyone. Tonight I'm writing about this one feeling that has been gnawing inside me..
it's about seeing the people that had always been so strong...starting to show signs of weakness..

i do regret those years ive been away for 5 years
i do regret of letting the walls built between us
i do regret of just going with the flow
and not seeing how time is irreversible
all those time i was busy studying, busy sleepover-ing
busy celebrating...
you guys were there..watching..watching me grow
grow from a loving sweet girl into a...cold person..
I'm  not sure, but do you notice that we- i, grow apart from you guys?
do you notice I'm  becoming a stranger to the family..
do you notice i don't remmber your anniversary..?
do you notice how i don't share with you guys..
or were you guys too busy to notice me..?
:-(

now that I'm  more matured than before; i realise
no matter how mad i am at you guys..no matter how i find it hard to accept 'this',
i will always bear the responsibility of taking care of you.
taking care of yr heart- and health.
and i know i am not doing a good job.

now ramadhan is here, september is near.
and, insyaAllah i will be flying away,
and again, i am going to be far
far from you guys

one thing i ask o Allah,
keep them for me.
if You're taking them away,
please let me be here
if You're planning to test them,
please let me be here
i don't know how, but You know how.
I just want to be here for them.

I know the anger inside me has not dim yet
but i will try
try to accept and .. learn.
so i will not repeat these mistakes, to my children one day.
I will pay attention to them
i will converse and talk with them
I will make sure theyre happy
and that they are not afraid to talk to me
i don't want them to be afraid of me
i will be fair
i know money is vital to survive, but i do not want money and weatlh
taking power of myself
i do not want to forget how to love
to love myself, myfamily and the people around me


i know aging is absolute and death is a no question.
and i want to make full use of this life you grant me.
let me Allah, let me and help me.