Thursday, January 19, 2017

21 on 19

another year, another number.
turned 21 and still, alone as ever
okay, not that I'm saying i hve nobody around me, but ..you know what i mean

was stuck watching a korean drama these pst few days
one thing i hate about kdrama is basically the fantasy that they paint in my head
and once i hve something in my head
theres no way of taking it off that place.
nothing -
it'll linger on and on and on and on
leaving me wishing i have a love story like that too
but no.
idk why, but no.
nope nope. no
i just don't get that like anyone else
i just never..and maybe won't ??? experience that
maybe I'm just too shy
maybe I'm just not enough??
maybe I'm just too bossy
or maybe I'm just not the type that they want
yeah maybe.
maybe. .
this kind of maybe that kills me sometimes
makes my head feeling like exploding..
to reason with my head and to listen to my heart
what a job man..what a job
convincing yourself that you are okay and worth it and nothing is wrong with you
telling yourself over and over and over again tht it's just not time yet and one day it'll happen to you too
one day you'll get what youve been dreaming of
one day you'll no longer long for wtv is missing in yr life rn
yeah one day but not now
not tomorrow
just not.
it's easy for someone to say what a petty thing to worry about
easy for someone to say oh they just never approach you because theyre scared theyre not up to your standard
well fu
who said i hv standards and who tell you what standards or wtv that i have??
who are you to determine that???
i never say anything
i never establish any measures
so don't speak like youknow how it feels
to again turn a year older without any single changes in that particular life
is it wrong..is this feeling of incomplete wrong?
i know i shd not look for someone to fill that emptiness
instead i have to turn to Him
but i just cant help it to feel this way
when everyone around me and
everyone i know
hVe someone to rely on already
it's tired yknw
being independent and
handling these issues in my head alone
it's tiring to debate with my emotions
when it gets lonely at night
and my phone's battery is dying
i cant turn on the music to accompany me to sleep
it's tiring..haih it really is
it's tiring to have crushes on every
single tall boys that i meet on the street
it's tiring to have the butterflies fluttering
everytime someone looks at me in the restaurant
it's tiring to constantly reminding myself
that theyre all not signs or wtv
it's tiring...to remember that those love stories in the movie??? they aint happening
esp to me.
haih
i guess it's just not time- yet
okay enough of this bs

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