Thursday, March 3, 2016

black hole

i wasn't aware i was in tht phase when i was in it. thats the most dangerous thing when you're 


i cant remember smiling and greeting ppl i encounter while walking to and back frm college. 
i cant remember laughing at my own jokes nor ppl's anymore. 
i avoided being involve in gatherings, even eating with other people. 
went straight back to room to isolate myself after class, only ending up curling on the bed and cried ...all i ever did was crying. 
every possible imposibble thoughts came barging in my mind ...
banged my head on the walls to get rid of them, only to be disappointed with more of them flooding my mind..
threw away my bed and comforter and pillows to find peace ..only to get bruises on my knuckles and arms
clawed the walls and yelled silently for help...but ended up feeling beyond exhausted ...
stared at the phone with hopes to call someone ...just want to talk to someone ...but every names that came into mind seem impossible to be reached at the moment...was too afraid of being ignored or scared of being a troublesome to them ....always thought it is better to keep it inside with the mindset of I'm still capable of handling this myself. in order to survive, i hurt myself..because of regret because of blaming myself for all of those stupid decisions i made tht put me in tht situation. 

i didnt realise..i was so close of losing myself. and my sanity. 

until those weeks i cant sleep without waking up of bad dreams abt them ..with tears on my face. every day, without fail 
i will, i must, dreamt of them. woke up shaking with fear and denial..woke up to find myself crying and even cried for an hour before capable of pulling myself together. 
until those weeks i realised i cant even eat anymore. i don't feel hungry nor appetising. cant chew on food cant swallow them. i lost my appetite i lost my sleeps not to mention the time i wasted in my black hole. only then...only then i fall onto my knees to beg for help from Him. only then i started to see things celarly and started to have control of my mind again. being depressed is really depressing, 
but nothing last forever, even those bad times. He is always always there for us, for me.  

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