those days i wondered why you're not in pain,
why you're being absolutely okay and shed no tears
those days you smiled and laughed at me..at me, crying and begging for mercy
i wondered if whatever we went through was even real..
because it seems too easy for you to forget- us
i yearned and prayed that i can see pain in your eyes
because i was losing my mind trying to convince myself
that it was hard for you, and you're just trying to act strong
i wanted to know that you suffer as much as i do
so i can still hold on to the fact that you loved me, once..
i wanted to see you cry so i know i am not the only one who loved too much
i told you that it's okay if you want to cry
but you did not..
i asked if it hurt you..
you said it hurt, but you showed no sufferings
and you were angry that i hesistate in trusting you
..but you lied to me, so many times..
..how can i trust you...?
because everytime i did..you lied..
i trust again..you lied
i trust again..you lied
i wanted to believe that it was there..the look you used to give me was real
but i see no more trace of love, or even sympathy in your eyes
it turned into hatred isnt it?
you we're tired of my bullshit and insecurities
that you decided to leave me..just like everyone else
and you still dare to say you miss me...?
i wondered if you even know what is pain..
being heartless is not good,
never good.
it might protect yourself, but you're killing everyone else
and soon, it's suicide..

i know that i wasnt the devil..to be hoping for pain for you
i was trying to save myself,
from drowning in the sufferings you gave to me..
i just wanted an acknowledgement that it hurt to lose me..
but it doesnt..isnt it?
losing me is just like losing another colour pencil to you
losing me is just a simple matter that shall be forgotten over a night
losing me is not worth your tears and time and energy
i was never worth it for you
never
never
i no longer pray that you'll miss me
because i know,
for a person like you, i wasnt even good enough to be a part of your memories.