Sunday, October 4, 2015

level of hardness : forgiving yourself > forgiving others

we all had that one mistake one regret that haunt us every night. sometimes it stop, sometimes it continues. we might forget about it for a day or two, then, not thinking about it alone is impossible for the nights that follow. we all hate ourselves sometimes for doing that evitable stupid plain evil mistake, and wish wish wish wish eternally wishing that time can be reversed and mistakes can be undone. we all has that one notebook where we cursed ourselves and call ourselves names we were afraid to hear from others. there are night we find it too dark to reach out to anybody and came to a conclusion that no one is ever there for us. but the fact was that we refused to call out for help. the fact was that we were the ones who left. we were not abandoned, instead we were the ones abandoning. we left people with no reasons, perhaps we find it hard to trust them, or maybe we are just to scared of our past mistakes that we decided not to take a chance at all. sometimes, being stupid once is not enough, we just have to repeat our stupid stupid decisions again before we realised it is again too late. and then the self-hatred symptom took place again. and again and again. it's like a cycle. you did a mistake, you hate yourself for doing it, you did it again not on purpose for the fear of repeating the mistakes, you hate yourself again and you thought thats it, you cant change yourself.
i made a mistake, i made mistakes. i hated myself for mking them. i don't want to do them. but i repeat it again. and i hate myself again. i think that i won't change because thats simply me, ignorance and stupid.

you know what?
He did not say that. He said that changes are possible - but only if we were to change ourselves.
it is clear isnt it- the first step in being a better person.
it is super crystal clear, but still it's hard.
maybe because sincerity is not there.

yes, it's forgiving yourself. thats the first step.


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