faking

It's normal to be at a phase where you think yourself as not worth it. You question what is wrong with you that nobody finds you...special or worth to be cherished. You begin to think that you're not good enough and that you did not own the qualities they've been talking about. You feel so sad with yourself and you wished you were somebody else...someone who everyone finds funny and interesting and pretty and attractive. Later you began to try to be like them, physically. You began to regret what you have and yearn for what is not yours. You feel like you're unlucky and .... deserve to be alone while others are enjoying their young age with someone they care about. You were jealous of other people. And that is exactly one of my silliest mistakes but regret I had not- for I learned the qualities I had in me.

I was too occupied and busy judging myself and looking for my mistakes that I forgot Allah surround me here with so many kind people. I forgot that Allah has everything planned for me and all I need to do is - be patient. I forgot that my friends are my blessings nowadays, not everybody is lucky to be with people who I am currently enjoying my college years with. True, I might be the girl who never talk and be personally close with anyone in my clique, but as bad as I seem in emotion thingy, I know that deep in my heart I was so greatful to meet these wonderful people. I had always been afraid of letting people know what is on my mind, and as i always did - I let it out to that one person I had always shared everything with. I held back no shame and let every silly and stupid doubts I had about myself and my future as a woman. I let the words slipped and never did I thought of rearranging my words to save my ego or pride. I was plainly honest and I was not embarassed at all because the response I got was the very thing I needed to hear at that moment, and it coming from someone that i trust in - means a lot to me. I was in desperate need to be confided in that I do have some good qualities in me despite my anger management issue and other countless bad values I had yet get rid of. I needed to be reminded the other side of Qistina .. the good one...the one that i had almost let it go. You know sometimes, insecurities change you. Insecurities made you think you're better off being like that particular person when all this while, you're best at being yourself. Because that is exactly how it is meant to be. That is exactly what Allah want us to realise. We do not change to become like others, we only change to become better. 

Trying to be like someone else just because you wanted to be liked and loved ? 

Been there done that.

And no regrets :-)